Tippin in da Club – Nelly

So I go to the gym today, I’m in a slightly better mood than normal mostly because we’re working out at 2 pm instead of 12 pm, and if you know me you know that 12 pm is like 8 am for most people. I’m mean I’m awake enough to not run into a wall and functional enough to tie my shoes and get dressed to a relatively fly level (that made me sound douchey), but I am definitely not in the mood to just sweat, be in pain and just hate myself while working out, so aside from that I’m in a good mood.

*Home video from when my mom woke me up at 11 am and told me I had to mow the lawn*

I’m done running my warm up and I’m foam rolling, and next thing I know, I see some hood lookin guys come into the gym. I’m like w/e, but I notice that this one guy is wearing some Jordan 11 Breds, and I was like man, those are some nice shoes (I’m on the ground stretching btw).

*HUH, Shoooooes???*

And I look up and it’s Nelly. Now I’ve seen him once before at the casino, but this time he’s a lil closer I guess, but I don’t really freak out for 3 reasons:

1. I can’t even remember the last time he had a hit song. Or really I should say a hit song that I actually liked.
2. He’s around St. Louis a lot, so it’s not like no one has ever seen him around.
3. I heard he’s a huge dick to any fans that walk up to him (I wouldn’t really classify myself as a fan thou either), and one of the dudes he was with was huge.

So I nod to the new guy working out with us, and I’m like, “Dude, you know who that is?” He did not. “I’m like dude, that’s Nelly” “No way, I mean he kind of looks like him” And being a douche opportunist, I bet him a protein shake I was right. Of course one of the trainers at the gym confirmed it, but this guy quit the work out early cuz he had “work”. *Eye Roll*

*Excuse me… I have to… uhm…. go do something…… important…..*

But I don’t see many celebrities, I mean I have seen a few, I saw Ryan Howard around West County Mall when he was relevant, I sold Mike Matheny Sunglasses when he was still playing for the Giants, and the most famous of all, I sold Randy Orten Sunglasses (he douchely thanked me for giving him a discount when I didn’t).

*Bet you couldn’t shake his hand with the amount of baby oil he’s got on*

But this was Nelly in his environment, cuz I mean he’s a pretty jacked dude. I’m not one of those people who are really into gossip columns, but I always wondered what celebrities do with their lives and all that quick money. So I took the opportunity, and used my observational skills gleamed from my years of schooling in psychology, and observed da shiz out of Nelly (while not straight out just staring at him). Here are my observations:

• I noticed him wearing headphones and wondered if Nelly listens to his own stuff when he works out. I mean he does make some good workout music. But I think that’d be weird. This question went unanswered.

*Macklmore’s favorite Jock Jam*

• Him and his entourage actually wear grillz! I mean I know they made a song about it, but if I learned anything from VH1 and MTV, it’s that a lot of the lifestyle portrayed in music videos is fake. Like a lot of the jewelry and stuff, is actually rented, they don’t actually own that crap. But props to Nelly for living out his name, kind of like Chris Drama Patt, and his company young and reckless (Fantasy factory reference!)

*Still not as stupid as the duck face*

• At our gym, the radio is stuck on Sirus Satellite Radio’s Pop 2k channel, half way through the work I was thinking, it could be possible that they play a Nelly song while he’s here. And as soon as I finished that thought, Nelly’s Dilemma came on. Now I thought this was funny, mostly because this is NOT one of Nelly’s manliest songs, but it was a goodie. The next thing I was curious about, was would Nelly rap along? I mean if you remember the song it starts with Kelly Rowland singing the hook, and it’s not like I expected Nelly to jump up on the benchpress bench and give an impromptu concert, I just figured that he probably performed it so much he’d know the song, and just rap to himself while working out. He did not. In fact, he seemed as if he was trying really hard not to notice that it was on, focusing on anything but the music.

*Now if you wanna go and take a ride with me….*

So overall I got a good glimpse of the celebrity life I suppose, no one else in the gym seemed to care, I really didn’t either, I mean he’s not that big anymore, but as I was leaving, I couldn’t help but wonder if he flew a helicopter there or what.

Wells “Schwarzenegger” Ling

Today’s Song of the Day: Listen to Your Mother – Jay Chou (English Translated Lyrics Here)

Fresh off the wound of my roommate royally screwing me over, I’ve realized a few things.

*Seriously thou, go f yourself*

I’ve done a lot of research this year focusing on cross-cultural parenting, or for you lay people, the differences between Asian and Western parenting. I mean overall Westerners are rather individualistic and Asians are rather community focused. And things I use to think were feelings felt be everyone, such as a feeling of indebtedness to your parents, or that it was completely natural for your family to take care of your grandparents instead of sticking them in a nursing home, apparently is due to my Asian culture-ness. Regardless, I’ve started to realize how amazing my mother is, and it has nothing to do with this stupid hallmark holiday coming up called mother’s day. If you need a specific day to thank your mother, you need to get slapped upside the head, by….. MY mother haha.

*Smack you like she was an immigrant from a country with no child abuse laws*

And I know that there are plenty of amazing moms out there (Mother Theresa), but I still believe that my mom is the mother of the year, and it’s not because she’s my mom.

It’s mostly because I have seen so many people around who have so many infuriating habits, that there can only be three conclusions: You either grew up in a zoo with monkeys, your mom failed at instilling the most basic common sense and courtesy in you, or your just a complete f*ck tard. Granted I don’t see many news stories regarding option a), and since it’s not socially acceptable to call someone out in public, we are only left with option b). And people, chill out, I’m not talking every single mother out there, some of my friends are the most loving and caring people I know, way beyond anything I can ever hope of being, and their mother’s may be better than mine, but I’m bias, so yes.

*No one likes a lil b*

I mean is my mother the only mother who taught their children that if they say they’ll do something, that they actually do it? *GASP* PEOPLE DO THAT? There are so many times when I have people tell me the DAY OF that something will happen, or that they will be somewhere, they CONFIRM with me of our appointment, and even when it’s against my better judgement, cause I know this is the flakiest person since the inventor of corn flakes, I for some reason always believe them. And without fail, at the last minute (after I’ve left and arrived) I get a call saying they can no longer make it, something came up, they’re tired, etc etc etc. COME ON PEOPLE, if you know, or if you are encountering a situation in which it appears it is going to affect your ability to make an appointment, give that person a heads up.

*It cannnnot be THAT hard people. Come on*

It confounds me how apparently these mothers also never taught them about the word “maybe”. I mean in teaching their children the English language, the vocab word “maybe” apparently was never communicated, cause if it were, I’m sure people would use it. This word for those of you that don’t know means “Possibly or uncertain”. Cause with a “maybe” response, means you may or may not make it. And it allows me to plan accordingly (meaning you become the lowest priority on my list of sh*t I need to do).

*You become as important as this shirt. I care enough to wear one, don’t care enough to know what it says*

It also appears that few mothers were able to teach their children how to tell time. Or if not that, then my mother is one of the few mothers who was able to teach their children that it was important to show up to appointments on time. And god forbid if we show up EARLY to appointments (CRAZY!). There’s this thing called “Asian time”, it’s used to refer to the general time Asians deemed appropriate to show up, often 30 to 45 min after the agreed upon time. The fact that this exists is terrible, and that it is accepted is even more indicative of our generation’s lack of any sort of sensibility. Then supposedly there’s such a thing as “Filipino time”, which is even later than “Asian Time”, But I have no experience with this, that’s just what I’ve been told.

Ugh, rant (for the time being) complete

*Haters… Bring it*

Wells “Mother’s hate me” Ling

[23:58] MyFriend: r u saying u dont love me

[23:58] MyFriend: [goes in the corner and cries]

[00:01] withoutsound00: http://thechive.files.wordpress.com/2013/03/86-to-cheer-you-up-78cd7cc7-sz550x852-animate.jpg?w=500

[00:02] MyFriend: ur the worst at cherring ppl up

Fame is for A$$holes – Hoodie Allen

So funny story on the way to the dumpster (yeah how many times has a story started out that  way?). Well I guess before that I should say that the weather was so nice today that I didn’t really feel like doing much work, so I came home, took my time and made some dinner.

*Cooking dinner is hard, wish I had something that’d let me grab what I need without dropping it*

And of course, through the process of making dinner I produced some garbage, and I noticed that my trash can was getting pretty full. So while my wings were cooking in the oven, I decided to take out the trash. After exiting my apartment I see a little black boy walking to the dumpster right in front of me. We make awkward eye contact, but he was nice and said hello.

*It gets lonely when I walk to the dumpster by myself*

So I respond, ask him how he’s doin and stuff, we talk towards the dumpster together. I then notice that his little brother is already there with another bag of trash, so I greet him ask him how he’s doin, etc. While we both walk back to our respective apartments, one of the boys asks me,

“Do you play basketball?”

He probably asked because I was wearing a cutoff shirt and some gym shorts, and he was like 6, what do 6 yr olds know anyways?

“Yeah, I play”

Simple response, I mean I do play often…

“What team do you play for?”

Pwahaha. I laughed a lot at that one, it also made my day. But he probably thought I was Jeremy Lin or something.

*On the outside I was all like….*

*But on the inside I’m all like, “Just a pro basketball player coming through”*

“O, nah I don’t play for anyone, just like to play for fun”

“O. Well how old are you?”

At this point I’m thinking to myself, “jeebus, I don’t remember my apartment being this far…”

“I’m 25, why how old do I look?”

That was a mistake…

“30!”

*Not cool man, not cool*

This made me cry, it’s ok though, I’m young on the inside!

*Yes I am, sniff sniff, I am!*

But seriously, being a basketball player doesn’t seem so hard… I mean I could shoot around for an hour and then nap for four hours.

Too Fake – Big Sean ft. Chiddy Bang

So before I even start, I just want to say that I’m officially getting old. I totally threw out my back playing basketball today. Even got a bear hug from a super sweaty guy to try and crack it, but it was my lower back. What sucked more than the sweat was the fact that he apparently didn’t know how to crack backs and instead gave me the Heimlich maneuver when I wasn’t choking… essentially choking me lol.

*Welp, looks like I’m just gonna be grabbing another one off the shelf*

Anyways, that’s not the main point of this post. I don’t know if you’ve seen this new craze on the internet lately (out of the million different crazes every week), but it’s the one where people respond in a ridiculous and humorous manner to texts that were very clearly sent to the wrong number:

*Black guy should have said: No it’s not, show me more . THAT would have thrown him off his game*

*I’m gonna just guess Maria is blonde*

And for the VERY first time, I had that opportunity today. You would NOT believe how giddy I was

*This is my happy dance*

It started out like this:

Random Number: Do well? Presentation?

Me: Who is this?

Random Number: Mom

And at this point I’m confused, cuz while I didn’t have a presentation today, I DO  frequently have presentations to work on, so I call my real mother just in case she got like a new google voice number or something, she confirmed that she was not texting me. So at this point I have the choice to either mess with a seemingly loving mother… or to just kindly tell her she had the wrong number.

*I decided to listen to the devil on my shoulder instead of the angel*

Me: My STD presentation in history class didn’t go over well. My teacher kicked me out of class. I’m thinking about dropping out.

At this point I felt kind of bad so after about 7 min I told her she had the wrong number.

Me: Just kidding. You have the wrong number.

Random Number:어디야?

O god, she’s Korean… I swear I interact with Koreans more than I do my own kind sometimes. I don’t read Korean, and thought this was her kid’s name. I later put it into google translate and it says “Where are you?”

Me: 我不是， 在猜。因為我自導你不是我媽媽 (Translation: I am not, keep guessing. Because I know you’re not my mother)

Random Number: What? Chinese?

At this point I was like: How is she still not getting this….

Me: You have the wrong number, I’m not your kid.

My friend suggested that if she still doesn’t get it, I should respond by saying: Yes I passed. And then leave it alone But yea, it at least made for a good post.

*Dang man, your own son….*

Wells “I have two moms” Ling

Change Clothes – Jay-Z

So for no reason in particular I’ve been starting to really get into fashion, in that I actually kind of care how I look (which is utterly stupid cuz I definitely don’t have the money for it).

*Add a few more zeros n then we’ll talk*

Not that I have too much time, but every once in a while I’ll check out some men’s fashion from GQ or somethin like that, which makes me sad, cause in GQ there’s really only two types of fashion for guys:

The super well dressed guy:

*Except women don’t want it enough to buy it as a Christmas gift*

Which doesn’t help at all cause again, no MONEY, and other days I just don’t give enough of a sh*t to throw on layers, lint roll the clothes, or style my hair.

The other style: The Hipster

*What terrible world to live in*

The problem with this look outside of the ridiculous amount of flannel and the fact that as an Asian I can’t grow a beard, is that I have to walk around looking like a hipster. Not cool (before it was cool).

But to be honest, one of the biggest reasons I could never be a hipster is that I can’t fit into skinny jeans. I mean in order to really pull of skinny jeans, you need….. skinny legs. And have you ever seen a healthy pair of skinny legs on a guy? Usually they have ZERO muscle, or it looks like their ankles are about to snap in half at any second. But anyone who does any amount of squats will have some sort of muscle, and that just look really bad. Think about slim fit dresses and how they don’t look good on girls with rolls. It makes them look like snow men with multiple sections (Head, boobs, gut, that weird pouch under the cut, and then the haunches or legs), and on men with healthy legs, you get haunches which makes me feel like someone gonna cut them up into sections for meat…. Just watch this video and you’ll get it.

Wells “Imma Need a Bigger Closet” Ling

Can We Chill – Ne-Yo

For all you lonely single guys, today we’ll be talking about relationships.

*Yes I did add that first line just to set up this joke*

DTR, not to be confused with DTF lol. DTR is what those in the church community define as “Define the relationship”. It’s when two people who have mutual affection, or one person who has really strong affection for another person, sit down and define their relationship. While I do think it is great to clear the air so that one person doesn’t think the “hang out” is one thing and the other person thinks it’s something else, ultimately I think DTR lacks in one big area, it takes too long. Similar to many guys’ “one year plan” where they get to friend a girl, know them, and ultimately the girl will fall in love with them for no other reason than he’s the best guy friend ever, the first step in DTR is supposedly to get to know the girl.

*This one happens a lot more than I’d like to admit*

Aside from the obvious issue of thinking someone will fall in love with you simply cause you’re the bestest friend anyone can ever have…

*Cause seriously, THIS GUY is the bestest friend you could ever have. HE’S SOOOO CAYYYYUTE*

But the big issue with that is while you’re waiting and getting to know this girl, another guy isn’t playing by the same rules. Addtionally, springing something like that after becoming good friends with someone, when they don’t even remotely see you in that light (AKA the friendzone), won’t go over well I promise you. Think of your good friend that you have interest in, and then imagine they dropped a bombshell like “I’ve been in love with you for over a year! I think we should date!” Most likely you’ve been caught off guard and in you’re head you’re thinking…

*Umm… what? Wait….. when…. wait WHAT…..why…. umm no?*

So typically always leads to a very awkward no, and then a very awkward relationship, especially when someone else asks them out just a few days later and it works…

*My friend should pay me for all the girls he stole from me*

And to clarify, if you ACTUALLY made it down to the bottom of this page expecting for me to impose this super wise advice on you on how to get girls, well I hope the disappointment won’t keep you from coming back and reading future posts. Cuz let’s be honest, being single, I really have no place to tell people how to get girls, and even more so, we all know girls are crazy.

*AMEN BROTHA, AMEN*

Wells “Cem” Ling

Valentine’s Day is right around the corner! Isn’t that just great?!?!?! (crickets…crickets).  No, but really, how can you not loOoOove the month of love? Even if you are flying solo this Valentine’s Day, I think this is useful information to carry with you into the future. The advice is timeless and it applies to a person in 1904 all the way to 2068. After 2068, then you’re screwed. You’d definitely have to think of a new game plan. Awkwaaaard….Now, I’ve written on this subject some years back. So, I thought I’d post the old article along with the new one. I mean you can NEVER have too much advice; just too much broccoli. Seriously, that stuff makes a person gas-say.

OLD ARTICLE:

Alright, so Wells asked me to offer some advice for all the MENZ out there scrabbling to find the perfect gift for their woman. I read through his list, and although it’s very insightful, I have a few suggestions of my own

What women REALLY want.

1. TELL THEM THEY ARE BEAUTIFUL- the whole reason we dress up like hookers is to impress you. So, please acknowledge our skankalicious outfit and remind us that Jennifer Lopez’s booty ain’t got nothin on ours.

 2. GIVE A HOMEMADE CARD- sure, it’s easy to buy an overpriced Hallmark Card that says all the right things and plays music when you open it…but seriously, we’re impressed for about as long as it took us to read it. The truth is we want to hear what you have to say. Plus, we like it when you write to us. It makes us feel like you took at least 15 minutes away from playing “Halo” or “Call of Duty” to consider our feelings.

 3. CHOCOLATE IS A NO NO- Wells you almost got this. Old chocolate is a definite no. But even fresh chocolate is bad. It’s sooo generic. Okay, yes its true women say they love chocolates. But I can guarantee they’re either menstruating or about to start menstruating when they say that. So, be creative. Offer us a 12 pack of toilet paper or laundry detergent (these are things that we hate spending money on, but can always use).

 4. ONE- ON-ONE TIME- this means a day of just you and your girlfriend. No guy friends allowed. This includes texting, calling, and talking about guy friends as well. We really don’t care about the farting contest your best friend Bob won the other day. Or the heee-larious night of beer pong with the guys.

 5. PICTURE W/ FRAME- ummm, have your seen our rooms?! They are covered with pictures of you! Honestly, we get tired of being the ones to always take the pictures. I don’t know why guys don’t do this more often. Just snap a random photo of your girl and you. Don’t do it when she’s sleeping. That just screams “Jack the Ripper.” Preferably take the photo when you two are out and about. Get it developed (cost: 20 cents) and put it in a nice frame (cost: $10). She’ll love it!

 To summarize…the way to a woman’s heart is simple. Good old fashion sex. Complete joke. In all seriousness, think of everything that you love about your girlfriend. Focus on those attributes and use it to your advantage. For example, if she is a great singer and loves music…take her to a little jazz club or karaoke bar. But kick it up a notch and include any of the above 5 items I mentioned, or something else creative. It’s all about being sincere, thoughtful, and considerate. This is a fool proof plan boys! Happy Valentine’s Day to all you lovebirds ( 0=

NEW ARTICLE:

Alright, menzies here’s a new list of ideas.

What women Really, really want.

1. BAKE COOKIES- okay this is as easy as it gets. The package literally guides you through how to make them. Men if you think this is too girly, your other option is to grow a set. Really, drop the macho image and let your guard down.  And for Valentine’s Day there are all kinds of pre-made cookie doughs with fancy hearts on them. Or if you like the old school chocolate chip recipe, spice it up by investing in a Valentine’s Day cookie cutter. I mean this stuff isn’t rocket science folks. People like cookies. But more importantly, people like FREE cookies. I only jest. People like cookies that were made for them from the heart (not a literal heart).

 2. USE THAT FANCY COMPUTER OF YOURS- I know there are a lot of tech saavy guys out there. And I know they invest a lot of time into having a nice lap top/computer. And I know that those fancy devices come with all kinds of fancy software. Use it!!! MovieMaker, photoshop, WHATEVER. Take some of the millions of pictures she has posted on facebook (those are the ones she normally approves of) and make it into something sweet. Powerpoint slideshow, a printed poster, a video with music in the background, etc. Now I know this takes more time, but you can put aside your “gym time” for one day.  Riiight??? “Right,” the men cheer!

 3. A LIST- this kind of ties into the first post about making a card or saying she’s beautiful. But try writing down a list of all the things you love about your girlfriend. It reminds them how much you truly care about them as a unique person. Plus, it also reminds you how awesome we are

 4. A NEW CAR- you get a car! You get a car! Everybooody gets a car! Where’s Oprah when you need her. Oh, that’s right…interviewing Lance Armstrong and preventing other networks from using the clips from her show. Maybe that’s how she gets the money to give everyone a car. Anyway, waaay off track. A new car is pretty excessive, but if that’s how you roll; I’m sure the girl wouldn’t mind. Lol. If you can’t afford a car, then you can always show your girlfriend pictures of expensive cars that you would buy her if you could. Lol. But really, please don’t do this…it’s a sure fire way to get dumped.

Well, I hope this has been helpful for you guys. Until next time…

Lady Something

Work Out – J. Cole

So I briefly talked last time about my new addiction of NBA2k13, but this time, I’m serious…. I think I may have a real addiction…….. to working out.

*This is the only way I’m gonna let my daughter date.*

Now I’ve talked about working out previously and how I worked out mostly cuz I didn’t want to get fat. Cuz believe me….. I like me some food. But lately I’ve been working out with a trainer and let me tell you, nothing makes you appreciate something like dumping a bunch of $$$$ on it. For instance, you suuuuure do think your framed diploma looks a crap ton better after you found out framing cost like $100+. But anyways, after working out with my trainer, sweating and dying for a few hours, I sure do feel bad going home and eating a pizza, pretty much nullifying ANY health benefits I did for my body working out.

*Would you like to take home the bucket of fried chicken or the meat lovers pizza?*

But this month, I’ve had to take it easy. You see I use to play basketball like 4 days a week and then lift weights like 4 days a week. Some days I’d lift weights in the morning then play basketball at night. And for the past month and a half, my knee has been killlllin me. I feel so old saying that, but it is what it is. So my awesome friend who’s a physical therapist, gave me the worst news of all: you have to stop exercising and let it heal. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WHY GOD WHY!!! WHY COULDN’T YOU JUST TAKE MY NBA2K13 INSTEAD?!?! NOW I HAVE TO GIVE UP BASKETBALL FOR REALS?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO…….. The only thing that hurt worse than my heart at that point….. was my knee……

*And somehow it’s more fashionable than owning a Nokia Phone*

So I gave up basketball and tried to not work out for a week, but I literally could not do it. I felt sick, I was getting antsy, had mood swings, and started feeling depressed. I typed my symptoms into google and click I’m feeling lucky. I got addiction….

All addictions, whether to substances or to behaviors, involve both physical and psychological processes. Some of the common symptoms of addiction are:

• Withdrawal happens when the person does not take the substance or engage in the activity, and they experience unpleasant symptoms, which are often the opposite of the effects of the addictive behavior
• Difficulty cutting down or controlling the addictive behavior
• Social, occupational or recreational activities becoming more focused around the addiction, and important social and occupational roles being jeopardized
• Extreme mood changes – happy, sad, excited, anxious, etc
• Sleeping a lot more or less than usual, or at different times of day or night
• Changes in energy – unexpectedly and extremely tired or energetic
• Weight loss or weight gain

To be honest, I had all these symptoms. I was sad, I was sleeping all crazy hours (crazier than normal), I was a lot more energetic (probably cause I wasn’t using any energy), I had a hard time leaving the game (I even went to watch people play on Sunday for no reason), and I did gain weight (probably cause I stopped exercising but w/e). But don’t worry, I’ll get through it, I’ve already started my 7 step program….. to the gym. At least if my knee falls off, I’ll be happy and in shape doing it.

Wells “I doubt my doctor reads this blog” Ling

Pandathoughts

Hellos everyone.

Sorry for being missing. I started working and I didn’t know what busy season was. For lack of a better word, it’s busy. Actually there isn’t a lack, it’s just not PG.

Anyways I missed writing and I was inspired by my friend Gigglelaughs to write something educational and perhaps life-changing.

Well let’s get down to business.

10. Be on time, or at least notify beforehand (You may not always have to be on time, but it’s a good habit to keep).

9.  Joke around, have a little fun wherever you are. Don’t stress, take time to think things over. A job done well is better than a job rushed.

8. Prioritize (know whats important, friends – remember them).

7. Dress who you want to be (don’t look like a fool)

6. Take the time to build relationships, if you put in the effort (99% of the time) they’ll return the favor and make your life easier

5. Tackle big problems by splitting them into smaller ones (unless it’s your girlfriend. then goodluck)

4. Pay attention to the little details (helps with everything, especially when that girl you like gets that new haircut, yeah you compliment dat.)

3. Be confident (be a man)

2. Build a reputation (always deliver what you promise)

1. Never, ever decide something or someone is too good for you (if you do then you’re not worth it)

Life doesn’t fly by at a million miles an hour even when sometimes it does feel like that. Take a step back and think about these. It helped me get through busy season.

Love,

Shang

countdown: 2 days of hell left.